I often refer to balance as a unicorn; it just doesn’t exist, and if it does, very few people have actually seen it. I hear the word balance thrown around all the time especially by mothers. Common gestures such as “If I just get everything into balance” or “I’m just feeling unbalanced and if I get things in check I will feel so much better” or “Things will get so much easier as my kids get older and life be more balanced again”. See this illusion of balance is merely perfection disguised; “If I just get everything perfect” or “I’m feeling imperfect and when and if I get things in check, I will feel perfect again” and the classic “When my kids get older my life will be easier and perfect again”. The constant orchestration of people, places, and things is exhausting. It is life on an endless stage and you are the only puppetmaster, orchestrating every little detail to gain balance. This can only go on for so long until you finally break. It is humanly impossible to keep the play running 24-7 and stay sane at the same time.
Until recently, I was constantly seeking perfection and balance. I truly believe it’s in the seeking where the true damage is done. When I was constantly searching for something other than what I had, nothing was ever enough: my body wasn’t enough, my children werent enough, my husband wasn’t enough, my employment wasn’t enough, and the most sickening was I wasn’t enough. About five years ago I saw the quote “I am enough”. I remeber thinking to myself how powerful the woman who exclaimed that was; how I wanted to be like her; to experience what she was portraying; to live a life feeling like I was enough. See before that moment, I don’t think I even realized that type of life was an option. I think I had just come to accept that my life was what it was. I had come along way and given up many vices but I still didn’t believe at my core that I was worthy of an amazing life or enough. It was such a vicious cycle: I never believed I had enough therefore I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t enough therefore life never gave me enough. Which came first the chicken or the egg? I was yearning for more though, and I continued to surround myself with content that delivered this message and people who were walking the walk. Things slowly started to shift. I started demanding respect in my relationships, creating boundaries that supported my journey, and making my needs known to those who were in my inner circle. I started to take risks and walk through fear. Just the risk taking alone was a milestone, I had been playing it safe for so long because I feared rejection, failure, and all negative emotion. I had become guarded and was living in my past chained to childhood traumas and adult disasters and illness. And in all this chaos, I was trying to create a perfect life.
A major leap of faith for me was to re-enroll in school. The last time I had been in school, my life was completely unmanagelable to put it mildly. I had to fight through the old demons and truly believe that I was no longer the person that once struggled so much; that I had already fought my way back and this was just another step. Education was part of my vision, it kept coming up in conversation, meditaion, and prayer, and I could no longer ignore the voice telling me to leap. So one January night, the eve before the start of the semester, I registered for one class. I had no idea how I was going to do it, I just knew it was going to be done. I struggled that first semester letting go of perfection paralysis. I had to develop new expectations for myself and lower my academic standards. I learnt to celebrate or at least be okay with a B instead of an A. This might sound really crazy to some people, but I had always been an extremley high achiever academically. Things were different this time though; I now had three kids and worked full time. Every semester I had to overcome these fears again. It wasn’t until my very last semester that I actually registered on time. Each semester before, I would leave registration until the very last minute, classic resistance and self sabotaging behaviours. But, I was victorious and graduated this June. This was a dream of mine since I never even graduated high school. And the whole time, I had to give up the idea of balance.
So how did I give up the idea of balance? Meditation, prayer, and patience; I asked for what I needed. I asked God to give me strength, grace, acceptance, and patience to get through the difficult and trying times. I asked for my family to support me in my times of need. Instead of trying to control every little situation, I shifted gears and asked for the grace and perseverance to get through. I can’t control the world around me, all I can do is shift my outlook. Otherwise, I am constantly in a state of resistance, pushing against the current and that is just damn exhausting. I gave up on behaviours that weren’t serving me. I let go. The thing is if we get really quiet, we truly know the answers, we know what is no longer serving our highest selves. And lastly, I celebrated my wins and owned my successes. I believed I was worthy of more, more for me, more for my family, and more for the world around me. There is freedom here friends, true freedom.
Love and Peace Friends ❤️